I looked back at the place I had come from & forward to the place I thought I was going, but I didn’t see the signposts to my destination. It became clear that I had stepped out of the land where I used to be & I was standing on a track I could barely see, it was a gravel track with wild flowers and Autumn leaves scattered here and there. There were black and white butterflies, and bees travelling between the flowers. I love wild flowers. As there were no sign boards to show me which way to go, which direction to take, or how to even decide, I felt lost, unsure and anxious.
The land I saw ahead was covered in a fine mist, but I could see the trees, the whole forest, the small plants and tiny creatures that inhabited the forest, all working together to create a sense of beauty, belonging & hope.
I was on the land between. When will the mist clear, so that I can clearly see the path that will lead me into my forest? How would I cross the land between?
This is the place where I found myself. It also wasn’t for a short period, but what seemed like eternity…. Until eventually I was afraid I would lose sight of the forest and never find my way into it, as if it would become impatient, the mist turning to fog, and the sight of my forest fading away forever.
One day I was physically healthy, my mind set on the path ahead… the how? Why? When? and what? was clear. I was physically capable to make the journey across the land I was walking through, emotionally ready & mentally prepared to face the obstacles that I could possibly face.
In one brief moment that changed. A fall rendered me temporarily unable to physically take a step in either direction & more physical challenges followed.
Suddenly, the physical activities I did with ease were not possible in the present, but in the future perhaps, I would be capable again.
But my heart & mind started finding it difficult to stay focused on the land I was in.
I became acutely aware that the dynamics had changed, the narrative had altered & I was no longer even sure what my expectations were.
The journey through a somewhat arid semi dessert, where there was the odd boulder or piece of vegetation struggling to catch the light, pushing through from the cracked and hard ground into which its seeds had fallen. I was hoping to find direction somewhere there. Turn left at the tree & continue until you see a big collection of boulders, turn right and the path would lie before me, clear & distinct.
Frustration
Panic
Sadness
Betrayal
Loss of control
Anger
Lacking the self confidence that I had always had, I was this person that I did not know. Or perhaps I had returned to some of the uncertainties that my childhood and early teenage years had held.
There was no tree or pile of boulders, just a fence. At first, I could not find the gate to pass through. After much searching, I realised there was no gate, that the fence did not run the full length of the land, that I was not trapped…. I just needed to find the gap, where the fence needed mending, and step through that, towards the land I wanted to see and become a part of.
On the land between, I was uncertain, afraid, a little directionless.
I needed to change the narrative in my head. What started as a scary journey I did not want to actually make, became excitement about the things and places I could still find, still get to, still learn from and still find a new way of dealing with the setbacks.
I have always loved symbolism and on this path, almost completely overrun with wild flowers, I saw the symbolism and suddenly many things began to make sense and fill me with excited anticipation. The realisation that not everything has to be ordered and clear. During the time that we feel lost, we can reflect and grow.
There should always be a yearning in us to find what we thought we had lost, or to find new things we never thought we would. I was in search of my piece of the forest. Maybe it would have a small cottage surrounded by a beautiful garden, of all those flowers I love, small creatures, from squirrels carrying nuts, to bees making honey, to birds building nests and filled with dogs and cats, to fill my cottage with the unconditional love that comes with all of these creatures.
So, I walked along that fence, not knowing when the gap in the broken fence would appear, but it did. I stood in a space where I could move forward into the unknown, the exciting unknown, and learn to start new adventures.
I saw my cottage and the creatures, even more beautiful than I imagined. In this cottage I have found new lessons, new narratives and a new sense of peace. There are others in this forest, some I have known for many years; as well as totally new people I have never seen before.
We all have our place in the forest. We all need to focus on our space there. To grow it and extend it and nurture it. We don’t have to be concerned about what others are doing with their piece of the forest, but we need to pop in to see the growth they are experiencing, encourage them, to show them support, grace and love as we build this new life and start on this new adventure.
If you have been wondering along this clearing, between the land you were in and the land you want to be in, do not be discouraged. Keep going, the gap in the fence will appear. Be courageous and step through. It’s the beginning of something new, special and exciting.
