It’s Not Master Chef Peeps!!

I am not a great cook or baker… well I can cook soul food, like stews, soups, roast chicken with vegetables in season. Higher grade master chef cooking is not part of my skill set. Years ago, in my distant youth, we were staying at my husband’s parents holiday home in Kabeljous Jeffrey’s Bay, when I made a stew (didn’t I just say I could do this successfully? Well, in my defence I was still new to it). We ate it. The next day the rest of the family arrived and told me that my soup looked delicious. So, we had left over soup for supper that night.

He didn’t marry me for my culinary skills. This we are certain of.

Once you grow up and actually start adulting, get a job, budget, buy a car, house, work crazy long hours, have a baby, your enthusiasm for cooking also starts to dwindle and the thought of being creative in the kitchen fills you with dread and frankly just thinking about it makes you feel exhausted. As long as your child is receiving healthy meals, the rest of us should just be content with baked beans on toast, maybe with melted cheese on top if you feel particularly creative one night.

When we got married, Andrew could not even boil water, so my limited culinary skills were required to prevent death or some other disease caused by nutritional insufficiencies.

He has since become a master chef, creating all kinds of delightful meals in the kitchen. He is even talented at plating up meals. I have to be careful I don’t slosh pasta sauce over the edge of the plate when serving up one of my signature dishes.

As a small baby, our son even refused to eat my mushy food, which I had loving made and frozen in little person portions. It didn’t matter what I served up. I had to outsource infant meals.

Children’s Birthday Cakes

This category of cooking took me onto a whole new level of unbelievable creations. When they started making those memes, the first picture of a marvelously executed cake, followed by one of some sort of mushy stuff, with what looked like an attempt at icing on it…… then the words “Nailed it” as the caption; it was with me in mind that this became popular worldwide, as something you shared with friends and colleagues, as part of stress relief and your “humour for the day” contributions, in the office and at family events.

Dylan’s first birthday cake was a roaring success, as I paid someone else to make it. It was an ice cream cake in the shape of a teddy bear. It was amazing.

By the time his second birthday drew closer I had decided that all good mothers make their children’s birthday cakes (no idea why I decided this). So, a polar bear it was. A polar bear sitting straight up, on his butt, with his little paws pointing out in front of him. I found him in a book my mom used to use to make our birthday cakes back in the day, which were always magnificent.

I will admit that the polar bear consisted of small Swiss rolls, that had to be put together to create the sitting bear. I obviously did not make these, but paid a Swiss roll specialist for this phase.

I collected the Swiss rolls and painstakingly put all the pieces together according to the instructions in the book. I was beyond impressed with this accomplishment and all that was left to do was create white icing and ice the little fellow, giving him eyes, a nose and a happy smiley face.

But first…… I had to pop out to a friend to fetch something, and it was in my absence that the bear got tired and lay back a bit to rest, sort of at an angle. I was dismayed when I got home and decided the only way to fix this was to create a piece of iceberg behind him, to make it look like he was resting up against it….. I had some sponge cake which, cut to size and shaped, would be perfect.

Anyway, the party went off well. My party boxes were a hit, but the cake was frowned upon and not everyone was entirely sure what it was meant to be. My friends found it hilarious….. another meme in the making. I was fortunate enough to find a photo of the cake to share with you, ensuring that you won’t sleep for a week from the sheer shock of it all.

My mom was a great help with cake no 3, creating a beautiful train with carriages filled with sweets and chocolates, which were a hit.

Thereafter all birthday cake making was outsourced.

Let’s move swiftly along, to avoid further trauma, to a couple of weeks ago. Lately I have felt I need to put more creative effort into dinners, not only from a taste perspective, but presentation is so important.

Recently I wanted to make some sort of pie with Phyllo pastry. I have a friend who is an amazing cook and baker. I called her to ask for assistance and I must say, it was mostly a success. She sent me a video clip of her demonstrating the making of little rose buds, by “gathering” the pastry together. She used a micro fibre cloth for the purposes of the demo, and made it look like a walk in the park. She even commented “easy peasy”. She can make anything out of anything. It’s really a gift.

Well, a mince filling and 500g of phyllo pastry later, we had ourselves two pies, decorated with wild flowers. My son’s girlfriend also had a go and even he made one or two. So let me be more specific, we had two pies with wild flower and rose bud pastry decorations. I of course, was entirely responsible for all the wild flowers. I am a free spirit after all, with, when it comes to cooking, have no expectations regarding the outcome. I leave that to the poor souls having dinner with us on any given evening.

These photo’s of the pre & post cooked Phyllo Art were taken by yours truly!

Please also take note of my very limited baking repertoire:

We have banana loaf. This is usually good. I only make it of course when the bananas look like they may turn into dangerous zombie’s. Sometimes it is quite dense and hard and one needs to be careful while eating it.

Crunchies: I haven’t made these in years, but used to make dozens of them for hubby (then boyfriend) to take home with him. I am not sure whether the stories I have heard are vicious, scary fake news or stories based on actual events.

Scones: No!!

Cheese muffins. My father taught me to make these from his wheel chair in 1981, after my mom and him had been involved in a terrible motor car accident. He was tired of being wheel chair bound while healing and I was still eager to learn. The recipe called for 1tsp of English Mustard powder, but both of us were convinced it was 1 TBSP, and so they were quite spicy. We loved them though (for real) and I still make them like that

Last, but not least, we have the egg free chocolate cake. I ice this with a tin of caramel dessert topping and cherries, but sometimes small cracks appear along the top during the baking process, possibly a lot like the movement of tectonic plates within the earth just before a massive natural event. I do what any self-respecting person would do and fill these with Apricot Jam, before spreading the caramel dessert topping all over the top. Everyone thinks the jam addition is delicious (for real).

Please continue to follow me for more unforgettable culinary tips.

Yours in Soul Scribbles

J